One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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