I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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