im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
