Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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