I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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