everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
thus making me awesome and them whores
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
