I wanna bring you to show and tell
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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