Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
