In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The Olympian is in my bed
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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