The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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