I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
