when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
