Only a mothe r could love this liver
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
