carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
