She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
