The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
