Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
