fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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