it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
