3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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