I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
