I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
