Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
