how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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