drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
