Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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