So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
