He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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