Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
