at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize