70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
