i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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