i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
