It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
