I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
