God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
