whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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