I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
