The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
