Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
