Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
