I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
