Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
