Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
