ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
