You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
