I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
