My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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