Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
