A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My ass is underappreciated
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
