Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
