it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
