So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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