we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
