I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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