Just fell off a train. Bad.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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