So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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