I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
